Don't Talk It Out

It doesn’t happen every day, but the Wall Street Journal has published a column by psychiatrist Dr. Samantha Boardman that is sane, sound and sensible. It repeats some of the arguments that Boardman offered in a previous article, one that I reported in a post entitled: “Less Therapy, Please.”

Considering that our therapy culture prescribes conversation almost as a panacea for all of our problems, large and small, traumatic and not, it is refreshing to read a psychiatrist telling us that talking it all out is not always the best approach.

After all, if you belabor trauma or unpleasant experiences you are likely to conclude- in the depths of your psyche-- that trauma defines you, that it makes you who you are. In addition, the more people know about your misery, the more likely that they will see you as a trauma victim, thus making it more difficult to escape the thrall.

At a time when the culture is being flooded with stories about trauma and when its less enlightened members are claiming that trauma will ruin your life, it is good to read an article explaining that sometimes it is best not to talk it all out.

Boardman’s counsel correlates well with current theories about mental resilience. Researchers have observed that some two thirds of trauma sufferers recover without any therapeutic intervention. 

And we should add the notion, offered in another Journal article, this time by writer Beth DeCarbo, namely that trauma can become a catalyst for constructive change. After all, if you suffer a failure, in love or in business, and you use the situation to reconsider your strategies in life, you might well profit from the failure. 

But then, most people, when consulting a therapist, believe that they are supposed to be discussing trauma. They believe that they are in therapy to ventilate their emotions, to air it all out, the better to overcome the negativity.

It is an occupational hazard, but it does not improve how anyone deals with trauma. In a way, this form of constant complaining makes the trauma a defining experience in your life. If therapy tells you to integrate the trauma into your life history, it has not rendered you any constructive service.

Boardman explains:

If your teenager is upset about something, asking her to recount every little detail to you and perhaps later to your partner—“Tell your dad exactly what happened today at school”—could make her feel even worse. You might be sending the unintentional message that the issue is more serious than it is, or that you believe your child can’t handle the situation.

Here are two other good reasons not to belabor trauma. 

Insisting that it be discussed tells the teenager, in this case, that the problem is more serious than it is. It often happens, when we are suffering a pain, we cue in to our physician’s opinion to discern how serious the problem is.

Second, if we insist on helping, we are also telling the teenager that he cannot deal with the situation on his own. In truth, there are some situations where a child cannot deal with a problem on his own. The issue then becomes whether we prefer that he vent his spleen about the problem, or allow for some suggestions about how to deal with it. The two are certainly not the same.

In addition, Boardman recommends that parents offer children different ways to look at the situation. This involves stepping back and looking at the situation objectively. It does not involve getting in touch with feelings, feeling one’s feelings and so on. 

Too many therapists consider that life is a narrative and that their purpose is to fill in the details, to render it a more coherent story. This is wrong. We would do better to think that life is a game, a chess game, if you will, and that as we evaluate the positions of different pieces on the board we consider alternative ways to make our next move.

Playing a role in a drama is not the same as making a move in a game.

Boardman offers a way into this approach:

Similarly, if your best friend calls you to talk about something that is bothering her, avoid questions that encourage her to revisit every detail. “Start from the beginning. Tell me everything!” will only lead to a play-by-play of what took place and what she was feeling. Consider instead posing a question that might help your friend gain some distance from the situation. I often ask my patients, “If someone else were in this situation, what advice would you give them?” Rather than dwelling on the details of what happened, help the person to generate a plan of action and to capitalize on their strengths.

So, she does not want to hear all of the details. She does not want to help her friend construct a better narrative. She wants to help her friend to gain some perspective, to step back from what is happening, and to consider, dispassionately, what her next move should be.